God, Let Me Fail
2020 has, to most, become a nightmare year. From economic crashes to pandemics to killer hornets, this year has had a rough go. But somehow through it all, I still see a light so bright I keep chugging forward in a blind focused kind of way. And I thought in the beginning it was towards my goals, to finally achieve what I’ve been pursuing so relentlessly, but that’s not it at all. In fact, it has nothing to do with me at all.
Through these past months, my faith has been tested again and again. And I won’t lie and say I’ve always followed Jesus or His will for my life. I’ve been selfish at times and I know that. But deep down I know God allowed me to take those paths to show me something I couldn’t learn any other way.
He is the sole light of my life, my reason for living and breathing every day. That’s intimidating at times, and in the wrong headspace, can even feel like a burden. And as a christian, that can be a hard pill to swallow.
As much as I want and need God in my life, I wanted and needed myself more, for a long time. I wanted my art to be successful and make money. I wanted to start my own business so I could work for myself. I wanted to have my own place and rely solely on myself for all of my needs. But that mindset is toxic, and at the time, I couldn’t see that. I was so caught up in my own undoing I didn’t see what I was doing.
2020 has opened my eyes. God has changed me on a molecular level. My life isn’t about me and what I want, it never has been. And I understand now that my plans weren’t working because God was not in them. I wasn’t doing it for Him, I was doing it for me. And if I’ve learned anything it’s that when God isn’t the center, nothing else matters. Your plan will not work, you will not find peace, you will not prosper like you believe you deserve. It’s all about your mindset and what you choose to prioritize.
When you give it all to God, He will give it all back to you, tenfold. He will bless you beyond measure. But you have to be willing to let it all go first. So I pray to God, let me fail. Set my dreams on fire and burn them down. Tear down my castles and rebuild your Kingdom in me. Cleanse my heart and rid me of pride, envy, and everything else that is keeping me from you.
God break me, to build me back up even stronger.
Is it scary to ask these things? Of course! But a life you are not afraid of isn’t worth living anyways. Give God the reins and watch your life become more than you could ever dream. 2020 isn’t the cursed year everyone believes it to be.