Coming Undone With A Jealous Heart
As an almost 25 year old woman, jealousy is something I struggle with on an almost daily basis. Can you relate?
I envy other people in almost every way imaginable: their clothes, their homes, their adventures, their success, but mostly their joy and happiness. And to say it all out loud makes me feel pretty shallow; like a stagnant pond wishing to be an ocean.
I don’t willingly choose to be this way, in fact, I resent it in myself. It makes me feel weak and less than. But God didn’t create me to feel this way, He made in me a heart of courage, faith, and love with a special mission to complete in this world. Not to chase after what I don’t have.
As I struggle daily to find and rest with joy in my heart, I’ve realized something: I’m mean to myself. In my search for truth, I can be rather nasty and hateful to myself. I talk down to me. I persuade myself that my dreams are stupid. I tell myself to just get over it, that I’m being overly dramatic.
And, ouch, do those things poke holes in my heart.
The real kicker is the more I deny my feelings, the bigger they become. And the more out of control and chaotic I become. Not a fun cycle!
Do you ever feel that way? I’d bet money most people have felt jealous and inadequate at least once in their life. I wish I knew how to fix it or stop it, but I don’t.
The best I can say is feel it.
Don’t hide your emotions or try and suffocate them until they go away. Let yourself feel them. Dig deep into them and dissect them piece by piece. They are a part of you, but they are not you. Don’t let your brain trick you into believing otherwise!
Learning to handle our feelings is a skill that takes muscle memory. It won’t happen overnight, but don’t get discouraged. It’s time we stop shunning ourselves for feeling. We can’t work on the problem when we deny there is a problem to begin with.
Feelings aren’t right or wrong, they are neutral. They are an indicator of what’s happening on the inside, in our hearts and minds. Feeling jealous, envious, or any other emotion should be a red flag that we need to slow down and do some reflecting. It doesn’t make you a bad person. It makes you human.
Today, let’s take one thing at a time. Don’t let your emotions overtake you. Write them down, sing them out, or if you’re like me, scream to simply get out all of the bad and heavy energy you feel on the inside. We can do this. Whatever your path looks like, it’s okay.
If you’re reading this, you’re still alive and kicking. Take that as a renewed chance to try again. If yesterday was a failure, that’s okay. Today isn’t yesterday and it’s not tomorrow, it’s right now. Breathe in, breathe out.
Go easy, friends. Take it slow. Feelings are temporary. Honor it, release it, and try again. And again and again and again.